Did I die?

My dad was gonna kill me. I wasn’t afraid. I knew he is working for someone that I have made angry. I was my fault. There were people who came and talked to me before it happened and I felt sad and in the same time helpless. If I tell anyone he will have to kill those people as well. We were in this small white room with just one white bed where I was lying and there were a lot of windows. The air became heavier and heavier every minute. And than the time came. Doors were closed and everyone was gone. I stood up turning my back to my murderer and I was looking at shelves full of  white books. The air was heavy and hot; I was thinking about what will I see in the last minute of my life. You know, they say that your whole life runs in front of your sight before the end. I felt gun against my head. I couldn’t wait for everything to be over. I didn’t scream, I didn’t run away. I just waited for the moment to come.  

That was the moment I heard the trigger go off. But there was no bullet. Once again, and once again there were on bullet. Once again…. But this time it stroked me. I didn’t feel the pain in my head, I felt it in my back. I thought that my life would be over with just one bullet, but no. It went on and on with more bullets in my head and more sharp pain in my back. I don’t know if I died… 

But the next thing I knew was this beautiful place. A bit like Greece with blue sea and sun from all sides. And with me in a light, lace dress, meeting all my closest souls, back in the human life. They told me how much they loved me and gave me or told me a significant detail about our short human journey together. 

I don’t know if I was dead. 

***

Vai zini cik pasaule traka?
Vai zini, tas kas tagad notiek nav īslaicīgs?

Tas viss ir sākums
sākums no mūsu – jaunām – pasaulēm

Vai zini, ka nekad vairs nedzīvosim blakus?
Vai zini?
Mēs satiekamies tikkai uz mirkli
Pasaule jāmēra laikā

satiecies – pieskaries – šķiries
laiks

satiecies – pieskaries – šķiries
laiks

Es pieskāros, tu skāries atpakaļ
un tā ar daudziem
bet rūp tie skārieni, ko jūt pēc skaitāmiem laikiem

Es vēl atceros un tu vēl atceries
bet pieskāriens ir beidzies

laiks

mēs vairs… nekad

Tagad savus pirkstgalus sienu citur,
bet manas atmiņas skaita laiku

Vai skumsti, ka mūsu laiks beidzies?
Vai es skumstu?

Pirkstgali vienalga saistīti
citur

Cik ilgs būs šis laiks – šī pasaule?

Es mazliet zinu
un tomēr nē

Nesteigšos ar pieskārieniem
Gribu ta lai atcerās

I will tell you now

For quite sometime now I have been looking for someone to tell 4 stories. No, not just 2 or 3 of them but all 4. I look around and I can’t seem to find the right person to tell all my 4 stories. So I decided to give them away for free, just here, where at the same time nobody and everybody are listening. 

1. Story – Attraction that I feel ashamed for
This started as friends (ok, there were on friends, but I felt like I could trust this person from the moment I met him). Then we messed up. Bad idea. And messed up again. Afterwards we wouldn’t talk or see each other, till recently when we met again and it was one of those nights, when you just hate to be alone and you just go and lay in a bed with a stranger that has enough stuff going one to not to get attached. However lately I have these feelings! ME! Whyy? I don’t want this. Our relationship was casual and it will stay like that, but how do I get rid of feelings that I don’t even want to feel and I don’t enjoy having them! 

2. Story – Attraction that I don’t want to have
You just don’t fall in love with your friend! You just don’t! And yet I did. Every time I receive a nice message I just melt, and than I remember – This is not real! This is what friends do! And I would really like to feel that way – like friends… Whatever, I will soon forget this and go back to being friends. Out of sight, out of mind, right? 

3. Story – Attraction that will never be from both sides
We were just becoming friends when he spotted me. He said that he knows that I like him, but there can never ever happen anything. He is just not in to me or? maybe? also? into this kind of stuff? And I accepted it. Now I just sit there and listen about his love life. What can I do. This is not even attraction anymore, it’s more like sadness and my disability to get over it. Just whyyy? -_- And those moments when I just get so confused with no reason, just by the look in his eyes. Damn it!

4. Story – Attraction that hurts the most
This one is difficult. You don’t fall in love with friends, and with that being said, I have no idea what is this.. I have had these feelings, then I got over them, but the next thing I know these feelings come rushing back to me. So strong and powerful as anything before and it hurts so badly when you can’t say a word.

Love is a cruel game. As far as I know it can only hurt. 

Get me there…

This was a road trip.

My way to get Home was long and kinda amazingly challenging. This trip made me Ask myself questions, and made me to make real and fair answers.

I left My and His flat at 12:50. I put my suitcase on the back of my bike and drove to the station. He kissed me on my cheek before I left. My suitcase was heavy and it was hard to cycle in the cold and sharp wind.

I talked to a stranger, I asked her for help and she was very kind. I took the train and experienced shneltrain.

I arrived at Groningen at 14:20. I was there way too early. It was a blessing. This place was significantly beautiful. I felt like in a Harry Potter movie and I loved it. I had a cap of cafe at that nice place.. ahhahaa Starbucks. And I walked around a bit, this place was all over me, it was just running trough me. Then I started to wait. I started to get cold. I started to get worried and I started to not feel my fingers. I asked for a help to a stranger and she was very kind, even though her help was useless.

He was 20 minutes late. but there he was. I already had a miserable thought in my head how I’m gonna stay there. In Groningen, with nobody to take me to Bremen. But there he was. Sebastian picked me up 20 minutes late, when I had already lost the hope he would show up. I felt like in haven. I was the happiest person in the whole getting-beck-home community.

We were very close to Bremen, but we missed the ausfarth. We ended up in the wrong part of Bremen and I had to ask Tobias to pick me up there. That was awkward. I got over it.

And there it was – my first Couchsurfing experience. With an awesome guy with tremendously sarcastic and in the same time much alike mine sense of humor. I hear stories about pheasant and building of Bremen. I saw Christmas market and theny tiny streets. And men in the window making chocolate. I felt that I can tell him everything. He wouldn’t judge. So I just was myself… sure appart from the moments when I was way more sweet and cheesy than usual, but that might be the stress and the traveling emotion of mine. We met his friend and another Londoner Couchsurfer. I left a sign -Lai zib!- and – Skaties augšup!- on the wall. We whatched amazing snowboarder movie and drank rum&coke. We talked with him and his friend late in the night and hen it was my 50 min sleep time. And I slept.

I woke up and asked him to take me to bus-stop.  He huged me and said that it was more like hosting a friend rather than couchsurfer. I liked this. I like my new friend.

Now I’m in Bremen airport. Sitting here at 6:38 and putting down my trip. All the others are standing in the line (as that would help them to get somewhere faster).

See you soon. I am on an adventure.

I am home.

How I mess up:

I always manage to mess up all the nice relationships I could have had.

I meet people. I play like I am so cool and so outgoing, that usually goes on for some time and then it happens. I reach the point I become shy. All my friendliness and don’t-give-a-fuck attitude just disappears as there was used some kind of magic. From this moment on I can’t joke, I can’t talk total nonsense anymore. I can’t be cheeky anymore. I become awkward.

I don’t know what to say. All the conversations turns into constant series of clumsy failures, and that poor person probably just waits to get away from this slow death of my self-esteem.

Other way I am 100% professional in destroying relationships is connected with drinks that take me away and nice music and feeling that everything is possible. You might already guess the state I am talking about. When I get like this, I usually get friendly. Way too friendly then appropriate. Following story should be down up by your own fantasy (also depends how messed up it is).

What happens after – like in the next day or next morning or just basically any next time I meet the person, is the awkward part. And what could have been a perfectly good relationship turns into a row of sad attempts of being less awkward and trying to forget certain peaces of memory that pop-up in my head every time I see the person, in which I almost never succeed.  (success rate: 2)

Why the hell I have to do this all the time!?!?!??!?

šodien ir tā..

IMG_9144

Šodien ir tā, ka var sirdi izplēst  izplest
Gribās katru ievilkt iekšā
tajā sarkani pukstošajā lietā,
samīļot, iedot pāris leikocītus, lai dzīst

Šodien ir tā, ka gribās sirdi izplest
tikai neviens nenāk pretī
gribās apsmaidīt un aptaustīt katru domu
mazpazīstamu draugu acīs

Šodien ir tā, ka sirds plešās
nu jau ritmiskā rīboņa ir pie Polijas robežas
nu jau pie Ķīšezera krasta makšķerniekiem
nu jau pukst māsi ausīs

Šodien ir tā, ka mana sirds nerimst
tā pukst tik ātri it kā ko gaidītu
it kā es būtu sirdij ko solījusi
solījums par baltu, akustu sniegu

Šodien manai sirdij ir lielas cerības
tā rinķo kaut kur pie griestiem
satraucās, gaida

Tas ir galīgs nemiers

 

 

 

- Kalm

I cannot read guys.

There is something new.

I almost fell for  guy who is married. Well the good thing is (underlining) I almost fell for him. Not like I really did it. No. And not that yesterday I came to conclusion, that I have to stop thinking about other … guys, because this one seemed to be the only serious possibility.  

How could I be so wrong. And I thought that I knew people.

Well, I didn’t know I already have reached the point in my life when you have to check the left hand for a ring.

Love disorder

Lately there is something happening. Before I went to Netherlands, my mom said to me that guys will stand in a line to get me, and I told her that she is nuts. That has never happened to me and I didn’t think it would happen now.

Despite of that, I have always had some crazy stories about nights when I go wild, meet guys, do crazy stuff, dance all night, end up in strange places and come home just in the next day. Even if that is so much fun and I always enjoy these reckless let’s-have-fun-with-some-handsome-man nights, I still always dream that this time is gonna be my last. I always hope that from this one night could come something more, something beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I know how totally naive this thought is and how it never comes true (that is my whole fucking romantic experience).

Let’s concentrate to the present now. While I’m here, that is 2 months and 3 weeks and 3 days, that is 11 weeks and 3 days, that is 80 days, I have met sooo many new people and of course guys. And guess what, once I go out I almost always find someone. (Now, when I write this, I totally feel like a whore.) And then I talk to my new girlfriends, (that means they don’t know how I was before, they don’t know my story) and they are pointing out that I always have these fun stories, or just non stop thoughts about guys. And I actually have to agree that it’s true. I do spend way to much time on this shit. Frankly, I have to make a presentation now. I need to be more picky, I need to evaluate the person, before I assume they are nice, I need to put my expectations higher and I cannot be this easy. That is just sad (me).

And still, it is very hard to do. I don’t know how to say “no”, or even worse, I don’t know how to say if it’s a good and decent guy or a player. How do I hold myself together, when all I want is not to be alone and that, even if it is just for a night, somebody would hold me in his arms and I would feel safe. And how the hell do you say “no” to the wonderful feeling, when you wake up next to someone.

That’s it. I just need to feel safe, and I do feel safe when ever a nice guy is next to me. I didn’t know it before, but now I realize that I have this very old-fashion way of thinking that a man is the strong one, the one who keeps me protected from all the problems and crap out there.

And if this is what I’m having, then how the hell will I ever come to meet the one, when all I do is run for my most likely imaginary next love!?

To my Latvian friends.

čāu, čau!

Nu jau pagājuši gandrīz 2 mēneši un varu labāk novērtēt kopumā kā šeit viss izskatās, jo iespaidu ir daudz. Sākot ar mācībām jāsaka, ka domāju ka būs vieglāk, jo LV biju pieradusi, ka visu izdarīt ir maksimāli vienkārši un faktiski nav vajadzīga nekāda piepūle. Šeit ir savādāk. Ir jāmācās daudz, un sistēma ir pilnīgi savādāka, nekā tā pie kā biju pieradusi, tāpēc bija loti grūti pierast un sākumā bija brīži, kad māca pamatīgas šaubas par to kā vsp šeit mācīties/ dzīvot.

Bet cilvēki apkārt ir ļoti amazing! Visdažādākās tautības un kulturas, kas ļoti liek pārdomāt savus principus un steriotipus, aizspriedumus. Protams balles un izklaides, bet pagidām gan izklaidējos daudz mazāk kā Rīgā, jo nav vēl tik daudz draugu un arī pilsēta ir maza. Pietrūkst man lielas pilsētas.

Pirms atbraucu uz Nīderlandi, likās ka visi vairāk vai mazāk narkotikas un holandi velk kopā kā joku, bet tā nav. Taču tā arī ir interesanta pieredze, jo nekad Rīgā nebiju saskārusies ar tādām lietām aci pret aci. Šeit visi iespējamie vedi kā apreibt ir ikdienišķa lieta. No vienas puses tomēr arī biedējoši, jo redzu arī cik ļoti sabiedrība un arī atsevišķu cilvēku dzīves tiek sabojātas.

Vēl noteikti jāpiemin, ka dzīvoju kopā ar brīnišķīgu dutch puisi, kurš man ir gatavs palīdzēt jebkurā situācijā, problēmā un dienakts laikā. Protams ir mazliet sarežģīti dzīvot ar puisi, bet pagaidām domāju, ka šīs varētu strādāt. :)

Ir tik traki daudz ko varētu stāstīt, bet tas laikam ir galvenais. :) Kopumā jāsaka, ka esmu apmierināta, bet ir daudz savādāk nekā domāju kā šeit viss būs. Pēc mājām gan neskumstu, droši vien jo esmu visu laiku aizņēmta ar mācībām, cilvēkiem, izkaidēm, darba meklējumiem utt.

Ok. šī bija mega gara vēstule.. Prieks, ka apjautājies ;)
Bet stāsti kā tev pašam iet?